someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
