New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
