I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
