you didnt know i had herpes?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
