New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
