So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
