She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
