Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize