This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
