im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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