she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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