No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
