I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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