I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
