my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
