Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
