I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
