My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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