I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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