i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
