You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
