I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
