i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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