i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
