You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
