I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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