i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
