I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
