I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
