I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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