I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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