i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
