I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
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As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
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I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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