remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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