i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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