It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
