How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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