I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
