when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
