tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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