We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
