capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
