i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You've changed since you got that strap on
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
