Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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