I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
