I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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