Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
