It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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