I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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