I wish I only lived at night.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
