Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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