Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
