I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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