new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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