I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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