A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
