i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
