Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
