I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
no, he came in my armpit
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
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