For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
