That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
